


if i’m guilty of anything it’s loving you too much

by lunaticdeano



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, poor Roman has it bad for Seth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-01 01:28:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15132080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaticdeano/pseuds/lunaticdeano
Summary: Roman wants to punch Seth’s smug face off of him. Hit him with a chair, so he knows how it hurts. Kick him in the gut and see him double over. Mess up his hair and bloody those lips. Beat him till Seth begs Roman to stop.written for a prompt:18. I shouldn't be in love with you.





	if i’m guilty of anything it’s loving you too much

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rocknrolleigns (simpleandpure22)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpleandpure22/gifts).



> Hi there! I haven't been writing too much lately but I feel good about this one. 
> 
> Beware, it gets really angsty and really dramatic but boy do I love it this way. 
> 
> Also, this is a prompt, requested by my lovely friend and fellow Rolleigns shipper Jen (rocknrolleigns on tumblr and AO3). Check out her works, they are really, really good! I probably wouldn't have written anything if not for her.
> 
> (a story in which Seth also finally apologises to Roman, thank fuck)
> 
> Title from the song Bad Love by White Lies.

It’s Seth who says it first.

"You shouldn’t be in love with me."

As if it was an easy, everyday statement. As if he was reminding Roman to not forget an umbrella ‘cause it might rain today.

Fun- _fucking_ -tastic.

"Yeah, I’ll make sure to get the memo."

Roman spits these words like venom. Bad thing Seth is immune to poison.

"You really should. Time to get over it, buddy."

Roman wants to punch Seth’s smug face off of him. Hit him with a chair, so he knows how it hurts. Kick him in the gut and see him double over. Mess up his hair and bloody those lips. Beat him till Seth begs Roman to stop.

(he used to beg Roman not to stop when…)

(then).

A shiver runs up Roman’s spine. He shrugs it off.

He looks at Seth, at his two-toned hair, well-fitted black suit, wicked, borderline evil grin. There isn’t much left of Seth Roman knew and took care of, the memory of whom is still alive and kicking in his mind.

Seth looks like he is on top of the world. Roman feels like he’s been kicked to the curb. 

The corridor they are standing in gets unbearably crowded, almost suffocating Roman and he knows he needs to get a move on, but he’s rooted in one place, eyes fixed on Seth.

He doesn’t have it in him to walk away first. 

He never did. 

Seth finally moves towards Roman, claps him on the shoulder and says, before turning around and leaving: ‘’It’s all water under the bridge.’’

The bridge is in rubbles, too.

 

 

It’s funny how things in life progress. How things get from point A to point B with all the complications on the way. How one day you are fine and the next day you can’t bear the burden of life. How first you are in love and then you end up with a hole in your soul.

Roman finds it funny in a very masochistic way. 

The wound of betrayal is still fresh and he tries to fulfill what his heart desires the most – hurt Seth Rollins in return. 

It was never supposed to be this way and Roman knows it. He hates it. But it was Seth who ruined everything. Seth who turned his back on Roman. Seth who threw everything they had away.

For the time being, his life narrows down to some sort of revenge, some sort of retaliation. Something to ease the suffocating pressure, to untie a noose around his neck

Roman has the whole world on his side to go against what’s Seth’s become; he has rage, fuelling his every move; he has the shards of his broken heart as a weapon.

But hurting Seth is not easy. Hurting Seth hurts Roman, too.

In a twisted, fucked up way, he thinks he deserves some of this. Deserves for not seeing this coming. Deserves for not noticing if something was off with Seth. Deserves for being blinded by love.

Pathetic, indeed.

So they fight and fight and fight until they break and then start over. They fight to win, they fight to lose, they fight for a cause, they fight for the belts; they fight because it’s the only thing that keeps them connected; they fight to prove their reasons; they fight to hurt and break, to obliterate everything they had in the past.

They fight with someone else, but ultimately it’s still about the two of them.

But for Roman, it’s always a losing battle. He can’t detach himself from the Roman who used to hold Seth close in his arms and not use them to throw him across the ring. He can’t bring himself to tip over the edge, to really _harm_ Seth, to make him pay, no matter how much he wants to. There is still a soft spot in Roman’s heart that belongs to Seth and it’s his ultimate downfall. A breach in his armour from where he once has been stabbed.

And keeps getting stabbed again and again.

_I shouldn’t have loved you._

Roman’s words are drowned by the cheers of the crowd as Seth raises the belt.

 

 

Roman never knew that his own subconscious would be such an asshole to him. The more time passes, the more it makes him remember the old days when things were a lot less complicated and he was happier. They were happier. It makes him remember Seth Rollins who did reckless moves in the ring, who would calm Roman down time to time, who always had a game plan. It makes him remember Seth who sleeps in on weekends, who tastes like coffee and caramel, who has the prettiest baby doe eyes.

Memories spill like scalding hot water and burn Roman from the inside. He’s falling down the rabbit hole despite vowing far too many times to never doing this to himself. Again. And over. Again and over again.

First, hushed _I love you_ and Roman feeling seventeen again. Seth laughing and saying it back.

A tired _you’re lucky I love you_ mumbled into Seth’s wet hair, minutes after he took that horrible tumble from the ladder through the tables.

Arguments and _I’m in love with you, for fuck’s sake, I don’t want you to get hurt_ shouted in anguish and raw concern.

A good luck kiss before a match and a quite _love you_ shared backstage while no one’s looking.

 _Fuck, I love you so much_ whispered between hot kisses, loud moans, and frenzied movements. 

 _I love you, please, come back_. Unsaid and unheard. Locked behind closed, chained up doors.

_You shouldn’t be in love with me._

Right now Roman really, really shouldn’t.

 

 

When someone hurts Seth, Roman sees red.

He shouldn’t.

It keeps happening and sometimes Roman manages to stay away for his own good. Other times he gives in to his kind, compassionate heart and goes out to save Seth from whatever trouble he’s gotten himself into.

He shouldn’t, really.

But Seth is not opposed to the idea of an alliance, that cunning bastard, he knows when and how to play his cards right to always emerge victorious. He’s been a goddamn architect for a reason and Roman knows all too well that at this point he’s just a pawn, a temporary crutch that Seth will discard the moment he feels like standing on his own two feet again.

Call it stupidity, good will or love (that pathetic, dirty word) but Roman keeps falling into the same old pattern time and time again.

He lives in an utterly broken continuity of events and feelings. Roman vividly remembers how his love for Seth transformed into an ugly mess of hatred and resentment; he remembers fighting him, hurting him, beating him, loosing to him; he remembers about the knife that’s still stuck in his back.

He remembers but not quite.

Not loving Seth anymore was one thing. Hating him was another.

 _I should_ , Roman thinks the next time he faces off against Seth. _I should hate you._

 

 

Roman keeps true to himself until Seth comes back once again but as a changed man and Roman’s world is tilted over. The broken continuity that is his life gives out and crumbles.

That’s when Roman feels completely lost.

He’s got his hands full of problems and enemies that need to be dealt with but Seth’s righteous return brings him to an emotional halt.

It’s the subtle changes that bother him the most. It’s Seth’s demeanour, the way he chooses his words, the way he holds himself in the ring. It’s the way he doesn’t look Roman’s way whenever they pass each other backstage. It’s the way Seth screams apologies to Dean and, no, not that Roman’s _jealous_ , but it's not _fair_.

They haven’t said a word to each other for more than a year. They have been nothing to each other for three years. They were _something_ to each other a forever ago.

Roman doesn’t know which of two is a lesser evil: forgetting Seth or forgiving Seth. He doesn’t know when it all came down to this dilemma.

In the end, he chooses to refrain.

While Seth rebuilds himself, Roman digs deeper, works harder and fights like his life depends on it.

They don’t cross paths until the day The Shield is reunited and Roman almost feels _scared._

Going back to how things were is exhilarating. It brings a sense of closure Roman has craved for a long time. It also brings a sense of false security. Trusting someone who had held his heart and then torn it into pieces to at least have his back again is overwhelming. Hell, Roman is not sure why he had agreed to this, but he felt that tiny traitorous feeling in his chest when they fought together for the first time in a long time. It almost makes Roman forget but he catches himself right on time.

Seth still won’t look at him and Roman knows it’s not his fault.

They slowly fall back into the old routine and it’s almost as if it’s been four days and not four years. The Shield wins a match after match and gets well deserved praise and power. One day after a hard-fought victory the crowds screams their names and, suddenly, they are on top of the world again, working as one team, as a force to be reckoned with. Roman allows himself to breathe a little deeper and take in the energy, radiating from the people around them. It’s beyond intoxicating and feels so damn good. Roman sweeps Seth up in a celebratory hug long before he realizes what he’s doing.

It feels familiar in a good way, in a way Roman misses so, so dearly. It feels like finally coming home to rest after an exhausting day. Maybe, Roman is little bit touch-starved and, just maybe, it’s a touch of one single person he’s longed for the most.

A moment later something inside Roman clicks and he becomes aware of the fact that he’s still holding a very confused Seth by the elbows. He freezes, a bright smile slowly fading, as their eyes lock for the first time in what feels like forever.

Maybe Roman truly is a lost cause.

 _I shouldn’t feel anything,_ he thinks (he hopes).

And yet he does.

 

  

Roman knows he’s fucked when Braun hurts Seth to hurt _him._

He spent so much time making himself invincible in the eyes of his opponents but once Seth pops back into his life everything goes straight to shit.

He could ignore it. Roman could let Braun slam Seth against the cage walls, shove him around like a rag doll. Braun could hurt Seth the way Roman never could and he would just stand there and watch, relishing the moment of long-awaited revenge. Roman shudders at the thought and how disturbing it truly is. Since then he can’t properly despise Seth anymore? Even with the Shield reunited, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, and Roman still is the martyr of Seth’s betrayal, nursing a wound that could never heal. Seth never apologized, never said anything _to him_ personally and that only seemed to damage Roman more.

Unwarningly, Roman is stricken with so much power – Seth is practically at his mercy. Roman’s holding a metaphorical chair now and he has an opportunity to decide what will happen next.

But the moment Roman catches a dazed look in Seth’s eyes everything inside him screams _wrong._

As if abruptly waking up from a bad dream, he jumps to the rescue, driven by a sheer instinct to protect.

Frankly, Roman never could leave Seth to the wolves. It was in his blood to defend those he loved, and that’s what Roman always did, always does, even despite the bad blood still fresh between them. It’s a vicious circle of love and betrayal: love that was, is and the one that seized to exist; betrayal of said love and of own moral principles. For Seth Roman would break a promise after promise, clinging to what they were sometime in the past. For Seth Roman would do so many things and expect so little in return. For Seth, someone who resembles a stranger now, Roman would…

He would.

They both lost that evening.

(perhaps, something more than just a match)

When Roman drags his bruised body to the locker room, he finds it empty except for Seth, sitting on a bench still in his ring gear with a pack of ice on his knee. He looks beat, his brown hair is a literal mess and the sight of him makes a knot in Roman chest tighten.

"You okay?" he asks out of habit.

Seth sets an icepack aside, casting Roman a cautious glance.

"I’ll be fine."

They don’t talk while they change but the silence between them is palpable.

Roman puts his stuff in the bag when uneasiness settles somewhere in the pit of his stomach. He hates the feeling and tries to shrug it off, but Seth starts talking, which momentarily explains everything.

"Thanks for looking out for me today," Seth turns to face him. "Braun is not an easy guy to deal with."

No shit, Roman knows that first hand.

"Yeah."

He doesn’t look Seth’s way and the only thing he wants is to get out before it’s too late. Roman’s not sure why he feels the need to run, but his gut is telling him to and Roman trusts it. _Get out of the locker room and leave everything be._

"Rome, I think we need to talk."

_Rome._

Roman tries to find a reason for why he just felt like exploding. Isn’t it what he’s wished for so long? An explanation? Closure? Something to help him sleep a little better at night.

"You think?" he asks mockingly, with too much emotion in his voice.

‘’I do. I know that we haven’t been on the same page for a very long time," Seth starts, but Roman cuts him off.

"You don’t know shit, Rollins." There is hot aggression threatening to boil over somewhere inside of him and Roman tries as he might to keep his cool. The thing is, he doesn’t want to be mad at Seth right now but it’s the first time since Seth’s return that he himself initiated the conversation and that really means something. Roman is unsure where it will lead them.

"Rome- Roman, please," Seth’s voice is soft, so uncharacteristically soft, it reminds Roman of Seth he used to know. "I just want us to talk."

Roman grits his teeth, trying and failing to keep his mouth shut, while his eyes are drilling into Seth’s face. There are so many possibilities for this to go wrong but at this point, Roman doesn’t give a single fuck about them. Turning back now is not an option, neither is moving on and pretending that they are _friends_ and _allies_ again.

"Alright, let’s talk. You’ve never cared enough to really explain yourself," Roman presses further. "What did you do it for? Was money that good? Fame? Got tired of us?"

_Of me._

Seth looks lost and uncertain, chews his bottom lip and then closes his eyes.

"What would it change if I told you?"

"Nothing. Everything."

Roman’s hearts is pounding loudly in his years and the world around him spins, but the aggression dies down a little bit. He never thought he’d find himself face to face with Seth, finally getting to understand why it all happened. It could _change_ everything as well as it could change nothing. Either way, nothing will ever be the same again.

"I fucked up," Seth spreads his arms as in defeat. "I wanted a shortcut to the top and they’ve given me one. I betrayed everything I worked for and everyone I loved and even myself for this. The titles? Opportunities? It was unbelievable but I couldn’t take it anymore. I hurt myself doing this. God, and I hurt you so much, Roman."

Seth stops sharply and the silence that follows rings in Roman’s ears like a bell. His eyes are transfixed on Seth’s, searching for lies, searching for insincerity, searching for _something_ to slander him.

He finds only regret.

Roman takes one step closer, hands barely shaking, his voice low and remotely gentle. "Was it worth it?"

He remembers asking the same question once ago. He remembers how Seth’s lips twisted in a vile grin, how he laughed in Roman’s face and how he said _yes_ while Triple H firmly gripped his shoulder.

"No. No, it wasn’t."

Seth’s expression is rather grim, shoulders slumped forward, contrary to his usual posture. He looks tired. Roman feels a sudden urge to hold him close but he just shakes his head instead.

"Why haven’t you said anything earlier? Hell, Seth, we almost killed each other several times."

"I never thought you would forgive me. I never thought I could come back to… this. To you."

_I love you. Please, come back._

Roman’s heart aches. God, he is so willing to forgive right here and right now. All the feelings (even that poignant _love_ ) he had for Seth, all of those he had managed to bury into the ground, come pouring out like water through the floodgate. Screw years of physical and emotional pain inflicted by Seth. Screw being used over and over again, right? The look in Seth’s eyes badly messes with Roman’s composure so he reaches out and grips Seth’s elbow. Roman finds himself tethering on the edge again. Problem is, this little situation he and Seth have now is drastically different from any other interaction they had for past four years.

Seth tilts his head to one side and when he opens his mouth, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Roman, I’m sorry."

 _I’m sorry_ is all it takes.

Roman knows he should resist but when does he ever do anything he really _should_ do when Seth is around?

What comes next feels like a fall from a cliff. It starts with Seth’s fingers curling on the nape of Roman’s neck that’s nudging him towards the edge, and then crushing of lips that sends him flying down. All his senses are attacked at once as if he had been thrown into the ice cold water and Roman is stunned, unable to move for a moment, to breathe, to see, only to feel all pent-up emotions seeking their release. He puts his hands on Seth’s waist in desperate need of contact and deepens the kiss. An invisible wall that stood between them turns into dust as Roman slightly lifts Seth and pins him to the nearest wall. Seth gasps into his lips, tightening his arms around Roman’s neck.

It feels like breathing for the first time after holding your breath for too long or seeing the blue sky after years of it being covered in dark clouds. It also feels somewhat messed up because they still have a whole lot unresolved issues but right now they are not that urgent. Roman pours everything into the kiss – his anger, frustration, pain, desire. Seth answers him with similar intensity and if that doesn’t prove the sincerity of his word then Roman might as well be damned.

When they part, Roman puts their foreheads together and feels how Seth’s fingers carefully trace his jaw. The locker room is filled with the sound of their ragged breathing. Roman looks at Seth intently, feels the press of their bodies, and his mind goes wondering places he never thought it would again. Seth is apparently is a mind reader now because he grabs Roman’s belt buckle with his free hand and tugs. Roman dips his head, places a wet kiss right under Seth’s ear and then feels him shudder as he murmurs a question.

"Are you staying at The Intercontinental?"

Oh, the things he _shouldn’t_ do.

 

 

They fall into bed together and it almost feels like a part of the grand design.

Roman knocks a vase down from the table on their way into the hotel room because Seth pushes too hard against him. They’ll take care of this sometime later, when it’s not so hot in the room and when clothes don’t feel excessive. Roman almost rips Seth t-shirt in half while Seth deals with his belt and jeans. The room tilts and next thing they are on the bed, clawing at each other and hurriedly tossing remains of their clothes on the floor.

They roll around in the sheets, enjoying the skin on skin contact and newfound passion of their kisses. It takes Roman everything not to flip Seth on his stomach and ravage that beautiful, toned body. It’s been too long and Roman wants to take it slow, wants to see Seth’s face and watch him slowly fall apart. For a second Seth rolls from under him, towards the edge of the bed, reaches down and then rolls back with a pack of condoms and lube. Roman takes control after: he carefully spreads Seth’s legs, settles between them, grabs a small bottle of lube and coats his fingers in it. He leans down to place a tender kiss to the middle of Seth’s chest which earns him a content sight.

"Okay?" Roman asks, looking up at Seth.

"Yes. Please."

Roman works Seth open until he’s squirming uncontrollably and occasionally swearing under his breath. He continuous to tease and stretch until Seth actually kick him in the shoulder with his foot and asks for more. How can Roman object? He fumbles for a condom, rolls it on, drapes Seth’s legs over his shoulders and lightly kisses the scar on Seth’s knee before lining himself up and pushing forward.

Seth feels incredibly tight and Roman almost chokes on a moan. He carefully pushes deeper, gripping Seth’s hips and making him arch his back even more. When Roman finally bottoms out, he pauses and takes in the view. Seth, in his debauched state, stretched around his dick, mouth hanging open, has always done unspeakable things to Roman. So, when he hears a signal, Seth’s strained _come on, Rome_ , he lets go. Roman growls and starts fucking Seth with long, teasing thrusts that quickly transform into short and shallow ones. Seth’s screams become gradually louder as Roman picks up the pace even more.

At some point, Roman stops, sits back on his heels and hauls Seth on his lap. Seth yelps at the change in position and digs his fingernails in Roman’s back. Pleasure mixes with pain and brings both of them closer to release. Roman shoves Seth against the headboard and fucks into him even more relentlessly than before, catching Seth’s lips in a feverish kiss. Seth responds kind, tugs Roman’s long hair and viciously nipping his lips with his teeth. Seth’s body becomes tense in anticipation of an orgasm. Roman senses it, so he reaches down between them and pumps Seth’s dick in time with his thrusts. Almost momentarily Seth lets out a ragged scream, that gets swallowed in a kiss, and then he comes all over his stomach, his hole clenching around Roman’s dick in a merciless rhythm. Sensing his own release, Roman bites the juncture of Seth’s neck and shoulder, which makes him clamp down even more. Unable to withstand the pressure, Roman comes, too, burying himself to the hilt inside Seth.

They’re both sticky and sweaty but sated. Seth slumps down in his lap, mostly out it and breathless. Roman gingerly lifts Seth up by his shoulders and lies him down on the bed. Roman gets up and heads to the bathroom throws away the condom and takes a damp washcloth on his way back. He gently cleans Seth up, tosses the washcloth aside and lands on the bed beside Seth, who mumbles a barely audible _thank you_.

They lie together, panting and trying to regain some sense of time and space. The sex between them has always been phenomenal and this time is no exception. Roman turns his head sideways, eyes the hickeys and a single bite mark on Seth’s neck and then he’s overcome with the feeling of things coming into place. He doesn’t dare to think about the future, hell, even about tomorrow morning but he feels happiness right now, in the present. When Seth turns to him, Roman can’t help but be mesmerized how life almost ruined both of them. But, in all fairness, they already did it – ruined themselves for everyone else but each other.

Roman smiles bitterly at Seth and his ridiculously beautiful eyes.

"I shouldn’t be in love with you."

It takes Seth a fraction of a second to take in Roman’s words.

Then he freezes like a deer in the headlights.

Roman watches him steadily, watches how ten thousand different emotions go through Seth, how his kiss-swollen lips soundlessly move, as if he’s trying to say something. Fear reads vividly in his eyes and Roman knows what Seth is thinking: he’s been screwed over and this was just the revenge.

There are many things one can learn in retrospect. For instance, how evil people are not so evil, and those who seem good are not that good. Roman learned that sometimes things that seem to be unfixable can be fixed with just a couple simple words. He also learned that no matter how much you’re trying to push someone away and out of your memory, the more they seem to stick around.

"I shouldn’t be in love with you," Roman repeats firmly. He hears Seth’s breath hitch. "I shouldn’t. But here I am."

Seth doesn’t dare to move and Roman mouths a soft _come here,_ reaching out to touch Seth’s lips with his fingertips. He pulls Seth almost on top of himself, pushes a stray curl off his forehead and tenderly cups his cheek. Seth puts his palm over Roman’s and stretches his lips in a lopsided smile that never fails to make Roman’s heart flutter.

"I remember how I told you the same thing," says Seth, settling comfortably on the broad chest beneath him.

"Didn’t get the memo, sorry about that," this earns Roman a genuine chuckle.

"I’m glad you never listened".

Roman grins wholeheartedly and presses his lips to Seth’s temple.

There isn’t much he can do but surrender to his heart and that horrible, stupid, wonderful love that messed him up and put him back together.


End file.
